“Be proud of your scars. They have everything to do with your strength, and what you’ve endured. They’re a treasure map to the deep self.” – Clarissa Pinkola Estés
In the early 1990’s I was in awe and instantly connected to the work of Jungian analyst and mystic writer Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés. She is famous for many works such as Women Who Run with the Wolves, but I was particularly first drawn to Warming the Stone Child – Myths & Stories about Abandonment and the Unmothered Child. The clinician in me values the keen psychological depth of her work, the writer in me cherishes her grit and storytelling style, and the little girl in me resonates with the pull of love and loss and abandonment from long ago – and still sometimes today. I remember receiving a hand-written response from Dr. Estés after submitting some of my early poetry to her on abandonment and the effects on the body, mind and spirit. At that time, I was seriously contemplating searching for my birthmother and my roots. I’ll always remember a line Dr. Estés penned back to me, “Completed circles are best…keep writing and nurturing that little girl.”
We all have a mother. Maybe more than one. Maybe we have in our life a woman who is a representation of what a mother is or should be; or a tribe of mamas, sisters, girlfriends, aunties, and grandmothers who have forged us into who we are today. Some of us are friends with our mothers and some of us tolerate them. Some of us have lost our mothers by death and some of us have lost our mothers by the choices they - or we - make while still alive. Nonetheless, a healthy bond between a mother and child is crucial for healthy attachment and development for all of our relationships. Because mothers are human, they will make mistakes; however, some mistakes are more harmful than others. Sometimes abandonment is experienced as a dark abyss, where positive emotions are cast away from our psyche. Other times, it is a painful wound, perhaps a pillar of broken bones hiding our heart from love.
When adult children realize their life is bound by unhealthy patterns creating havoc in romantic, work, or social relationships, they can make the decision to explore the daunting journey of feeling that deep loss of abandonment, rage, and sadness, and then journey into the transformation of healing. This is an ebb and flow process and takes time like a smoldering fire, erupting at times to provide needed warmth and caution, then dwindling until the next log is thrown on to lose one’s self in gaze and contemplation.
The unmothered child has a story to share; not all at once – that would be too overwhelming for mind, body, and energy. The traumas of hurt, neglect, ignorance, carelessness, and selfishness, experienced through a child’s need for a mother, can produce shame, anxiety, and fear, where there is little room for the healthy self to develop. The unmothered child must build other coping techniques, other masks to survive. His appearance is immaculate, suit and tie anchored with polished winged-tipped shoes and shiny gold cufflinks, hiding his feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. She quickly says yes with a beautiful smile when she truly wants to scream no, turning, snarling at herself for her lack of boundaries, desperate to be wanted.
But, here is the hope, the truth, the longing of the unmothered child:
The Longing of the Unmothered Child
She will find her authentic self
He will find his authentic self
They will reflect that which they gathered along the grief process
And sculpt and carve from their pain and sorrow the guidance and nurturing and insight
They didn’t have modeled to them as children.
They will breathe-in peace and exhale chaos,
Developing new insights and ventures that unleash creativity from long ago,
Assessing situations while listening to intuition
And smiling – knowing that strength was formed out of courage
And laughing – because their blood now flows steadily and connective tissue releases,
Allowing freedom of thought and action
Trading wounds for remedies
Gathering in nature all that represents life and death…
Oh dear death – you are so important for life to re-emerge
Manifesting the authentic self while in solitude, silence and prayer
Seeking guidance from the archetypal unconscious -
And healing
For self
And for generations to come.
- Amy Childers
Continued Peace and Goodwill always!